Monday, March 24, 2014

Dear Winter, Bugger Off.


I just had to vent.  Winter has become annoying, overstayed its welcome and has become that depressed friend who went through a break up or something equally "get over it"-able and just stays and stays at your place, constantly going through the fridge looking for pop or beer and sitting around in a dirty housecoat, greasy haired and dull-eyed, watching mind-numbing daytime talk shows and soaps while intermittently scratching his belly.

Either that, or winter has become an aggressive bully who won't leave us alone or believe us that we really don't have any lunch money in our pockets and keeps coming around to shake us upside down every day, just in case.  Except in our case, it seems to only be on a Wednesday/Thursday schedule.

It has its mood swings.

I feel that having watched this winter season closely and becoming really familiar with its temperament and patterns, I feel that I am now somewhat proficient in the ways of Winter 2013-2014 (at least I think it is going to wrap up in 2014...sometime...) and am thus as qualified as those TV meteorologists to make a prediction of my own on the approaching storm:

The forecast for the Maritimes for the next few days:
Sunny and cold on Tuesday with some cute fluffy clouds later in the day, depositing quaint, picturesque, fairydust-like snowflakes now and again.
We will see a change in weather patterns on Wednesday with apocalyptic conditions bringing hurricane force winds, snowfall of Biblical proportions, zombies, darkness and despair.
These conditions will carry over into Thursday with possibility of power outages and any connection to outside civilization being cut off. No one will be coming to help us so prepare your survivalist kits accordingly, sharpening your stakes and axes as well as your snowblower blades.
I hate this winter.
Friday will be sunny and plus 1.

Thursday, March 13, 2014

Winter, Work, and Prehistoric Discoveries

Well this winter that just won't go away has finally kind of granted me the wish I have been wishing all winter long.  I had been praying for this from the time the very first of the ten-years-worth-of-storms-crammed-into-one-season, began.

We finally got a snow day for grown ups!  Sort of.  Our office didn't open until 11am due to the weather.  Even though it was not a full day off, I was still thrilled with snuggling back down under the blankets and getting a couple more hours of sleep.  

Until it was finally time to face reality and get out there to clean off my car and head in.  

I warmed it up for 20 minutes before I even went outside.  Once out on the landscape of Hoth, where the snow was hard enough that I didn't even leave footprints, it took me about 45 minutes to clean off my car enough to be drive-able.  

I love where I live, I love where I live, I love...

Let me share with you some of the things I learned during that time:

I no longer was the owner of a car.  It was gone.  But there in its place was a beautiful, magical ice hut.  With wheels.  

I figured the ice hut must have dated as far back as prehistoric man because I found crude pictures etched on the icy walls.  I felt like the world's luckiest archaeologist.

Iceman art

Living on the top of a hill is awesome in the summer when sitting on the balcony sipping something a cool drink, watching the sun set behind the mountains in the distance.  Living on top of that same hill sucks in the winter when you realize just how exposed your car ice hut is to the elements.  (PS, the new battery that was recently installed because the old battery died in a flash freeze, is fresh, new and under warranty.  Do what you will, Elements, because I won't have to pay this time around if you murder this battery too!  Booyah!!  Bitch.)

When the wind is stabbing my face with ice daggers, it is also blowing into the holes of the extended handle on my scraper and makes music;  it was difficult to continue scraping because I wanted to stop and see if I could actually play the scraper myself.

If portholes are good enough for the sides of ships, the same principle will work for my car.  (I finally had peepholes worn through the ice on my side windows.  I could pretend it was a ship.  Or a tank.  Or an ice hut I can drive.)

Bwaaaahahahhahaa!!  Sun???  Good one, guys!

Thick, nearly impenetrable ice buildup can be the basis for an intense upper body workout, by using all the muscles in my arms to chip away at my car ice hut and by using my core to keep from falling down due to standing on sheer ice.

Despite the fact that my rear defrost had been on all that time, the back window was still completely iced up.  This was a good time hang my head and let my shoulders slump in defeat then look up in defiance and cry out, "Go [insert expletive here] yourself, Winter!!", then look around to see if anyone was peering out their windows at the raving lunatic that was me, because I suddenly remembered I was standing in the parking lot between two apartment buildings...and that apparently I am not the only person living there.
Really, he does say it better than I do.

Pharrell Williams' "Happy" song makes slippery, icy death-defying drives into work, all better.  I really was happy!  Thanks, Pharrell.

The joke about Canadian winters making driving better because all the potholes are filled in with snow, is not a joke at all.  It is true...really, really true!  The drive was slippery but it was probably the smoothest, most level surface I had the pleasure to drive on since my move back to SJ.

Why waste good money patching that up?  Winter will take care of that!


I learned that in weather like this, going to a drive-thru makes you look like an idiot because you have to open your door to place your order, to pay, and to get your order...it is all very awkward and embarassing. Please, please remember that when driving an ice hut with wheels, THE WINDOWS ARE FROZEN SHUT!  (Did this happen to anyone else at the drive-thru?  No, because it seems everyone else has a car-port or garage and does not drive an ice hut.)

But the most important thing I learned today was that for the next storm, I am just going to call my boss, take the day off and spend the day drinking hot chocolate and Bailey's.  Or wine.  Or beer.  Or all of the above.

Word.